Today I packed up my life. My life fits neatly into three medium sized Uhaul boxes, and approximately 5 large trash bags for clothes.
It took me about 5 hours to place my life in these receptacles, and will take one day to move to my apartment (with an additional day for furniture).
Only twice did I stumble upon a couple things, mementos of my past, that got to me. Better than I thought it would be..
It’s strange to see your entire physical life packed together in a pile in the middle of your garage. It looks so…. Small. So insignificant. I found myself looking at this meager pile of belongings, and though I am not a fan of “things”, I was thinking “this is it? This is all I have to show for a 16 year relationship? And half of this stuff is stuff I had before we were married!!” I guess it shows as proof that I am still true to the person I was as a young adult.. Not about material possessions. I am leaving behind not only a relationship, but also an oversized house FULL of “stuff”, most of which I never wanted. I haven’t yet gotten into the “mutual possessions” that will need to be split up… That will be a whole other nightmare.. But one thing at a time. For now I will move what is left of my old life into my apartment, where I will use it to base my new life on.. Funny how many times we start anew in life with the same base…..
Hello all..
It’s sunday. I’ve spent the day (and the last week) readying my things to move out of the home that I have shared with my soon to be ex for nearly 14 years. I move out on Wednesday. Strangely, I haven’t actually PACKED anything. It’s all put in sort of organized piles.. And today the two of us spent a very civil afternoon discussing the best way to move the furniture from the house that I will be taking. I knew this day was coming. I welcomed it, and still do. But still, I am weighed upon by a sadness, the heft of which I have not felt in a very long time. This is my last three days in this life.. It’s so…..final. The little things - I sat in “my spot” on the couch today, and realized that in three short days, it will no longer be “my spot”. Same with my place at the dinner table that I have occupied every night for most of my adult life. Eventually, there will be someone else who calls those spots “theirs”. And that makes me sad. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. You know how sometimes you wonder how “replaceable” you are in the world? I’m about to find out. And it scares me.
Got my application for my apartment today. Been nearly 17 years since I’ve lived in an apartment. I’m feeling better about my ability to cope with being single again. I’ve realized my pain isn’t from my soon to be ex-wife no longer loving me. It’s more a General pain of loss. I lost my father to a car/motorcycle crash in 2003.. 7 months after becoming a father myself. Now I’m losing a life that I spent the last 15 yrs building - and I will have constant reminders of that in my son for the rest of my life. I’m so tired of losing. It hurts so much. But I have to move forward, don’t I? The other option is stopping, and that is death, and I have things to do and see still.
So as they say, “if you’re going through Hell, keep going..” and I will. I must. Time will heal all wounds. I hope.
I also have discovered a support system I didn’t know I had, some of whom will read this — you know who you are, and you help me more than you know.
